Investment Jokes
Some days the market makes you want to cry. Hopefully these investment jokes will make you laugh instead. Enjoy...
For Sale: John Deere Tractor.
Runs good. Missing steering wheel and seat. Ideal for the person who has lost his ass and doesn't know which way to turn.
At The Bank
I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".
I'm wondering is it them or me?
Quote Of The Day
From a trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Uncertainty Hits Japan
In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and investment analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
America vs Zimbabwe
Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.
Investment Words Translations
Term |
Translation |
|---|---|
| CEO | Chief Embezzlement Officer |
| CFO | Corporate Fraud Officer |
| Bull Market | A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius |
| Bear Market | A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex |
| Value Investing | The art of buying low and selling lower |
| P/E Ratio | The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing |
| Broker | What my broker has made me |
| Standard & Poor | Your life in a nutshell |
| Stock Analyst | Idiot who just downgraded your stock |
| Stock Split | When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves |
| Market Correction | The day after you buy stocks |
| Cash Flow | The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet |
| Profit | An archaic word no longer in use |
Raise The Debt Ceiling Rap Video
Lots of investment jokes in the video. Our favorite line: "I got a monetary plan and it involves a lot of toner."
More Investment Jokes
- How Much Is A Trillion Dollars?
- Mega and Nano Options
- Free Money Printing Press
- Money Making Guide
- Apple Downgraded to 'Screwed'
Mike Scanlin is the founder of Born To Sell and has been writing covered calls for a long time.